The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

There isnt too much that is new to write about. the days have been alright. I got upset last night but i understood the reason that caused the upset.

I got on here during last hour yesterday and then sam asked me if i would go with her to take pictures and I thought it would pass the time. I just clicked off this and left my account on the computer (my school account) We were gone for a little while, ten maybe fifteen minutes. When i got back I logged on vr and saw that i had five new messages. I scrolled down hoping and there was my baby. I clicked on messaeg and said "babbbyyyy!!!" I looked in my messages then and realized he was PISSED and he was pissed at me. I guess vr didnt log me out right away and he had thought I was online and that i was ignorning him. Hah, as if that would be possible. I love talking to him way too much. Anyway, we talked for a little while and he seemed to be VERY mad at me so i told him I would get on after school. the bell rang a little while later and i had to go. Sam gave me a ride home and i got on the computer immediately.

We got into it a little bit and then he apologized and i figured out what was wrong with him. He was going through the exact same thing that I was a couple of days ago. He needed to be reminded that I love him and i want to be with him and he missed me and it was getting him depressed and angry. I apologized for being snippy right back and we started getting into some very serious talk.

I love him so much. He means the world to me. I find it so hard to understand why he could even have a passing thought that I would cheat on him. i never, ever could. Then again, i guess i did the same thing to him huh? I needed the reassurance that he would never do that and he needed the same thing. Damn. Okay well i understand that too then now.

I am so happy that today is friday and we have a break from school. i really really need it. School has been aggravating me to no end. I love being here to talk to Sam but thats all. I cant stand it otherwise. The other people that are here are so annoying.

Hah that was kindof amusing. they are playing trivia and they didnt know what a screwdriver is. Someone said vodka and tomato juice...ah well idiots make me laugh anyway.

Well, everything is soooo much better than it was. I realize exactly how crazy i was starting to get with my thoughts. Why i was even having the thoughts that i was was insane.

I know that Mat loves me as much as i love him. So to even have the passing thought that he would do something fucked up was very stupid of me.

I think that I was just worrying because I missed him very much and I was getting lonely after he would leave. I wanted to talk to him more and he was gone so i would sit around and think and get nasty thoughts that made me even more depressed.

Anyway, we talked yesterday and we got everything straightened out. he took alot of what i said out of context and I realized that alot of what i said was one big insult to him. Even if I didnt mean things the way he took them i was insulting him alot with my concerns. I am very glad that I did tell him though. It is a huge weight off my shoulders and he realized that I havnmt been perfectly fine with being apart from him. So i guess it was for the best.

I cant keep anything from him and that is a good thing. Even if its my concerns and fears about him. I am really sad that i cant be with him for christamas but I will be next year!! Dammit every holiday will be so much nicer. And we are going all out for halloween for sure. I want to try to get Sam and Penny down there for a weekend around halloween so we can have a get together. that would be fun.

Okay.



i am going to shed the all of the emotions... I am going to play that game. The one where you are happy for once. The one where you dont feel all those disheartening emotions like anger and pain and sadness. I don't care what i have to do I am going to will myself out of this depressed state I am in. If its possible I will make it happen. i will make myself laugh and I will make myself smile. Maybe if I do it enough it will come naturally? I am not sure.



I cant stand being sad and just thinking about everything only makes me sadder. i cant handle it. So, i am going to be happy. I am going to be light hearted and everything is going to be okay.

I am going to think about all the good times and not think of the messes ive created. i am going to think of the funny moments and not of the anger and pain. I need to get myself in a better state of mind or I will just make everything worse. I definately cant do worse.



To my Sam: I am sorry that I have dumped on you and that I have made you sad by being sad myself. You have been my sanity. You have always been there when i really needed you to be. You have always been there to tell me when i am being stupid or when I should be happier. I should be, i know this. So, i am going to be. you are my reassurance when i cannot talk to Mat. When i have concerns or doubts you listen and offer me an explanation. i cannot tell you how grateful i am to you for that. You are the greatest friend anyone could ask for.



To my Mat: I am not sure how often you get on here anymore or how often you read my journals so I am not certain when you will read this. i wrote you in that email that the proxy doesnt work for meebo or email and that it does work for this so I hope i get to talk to you soon. I love you with all of my heart and I never meant to cause you confusion and I never meant to hurt you. Just explain to you my feelings. That is all. you are not losing me in any way. i am right here waiting for you and I always will be. I would go through this hell a hundred times over for you and you better always remember that. I love you. I AM coming with you in May and no one could stop me. I want to be with you too much and I love you too much to ever allow that to happen. I need you in my life baby. I need you by my side always. I miss you...

I don't know what to do to make things right again. I don't know why I try to explain my feelings when I myself have a hard time understanding them. I seem to be making more of a mess trying to explain them. I should just stop. I should just wait until i disect them and see them for what they are before trying to explain why i am reacting the way that I am with things. I dont even know if I am making sense now.

I feel like complete shit. Once again the school server has let me read one email but it is going to surf control so i cannot read the other. This is so frustrating. The one i got hurts more then anything could. I am sooo fucking mad that i cannot write back or read that other email!!!!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have caused a rift between us that i dont want there at all. I dont want to leave him and i dont feel any different about him then i did before he left. I love him with all of my heart. Im just not dealing as well as i thought I would with the contact and i think the reason is that i miss him so much.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I dont know how I can make such huge messes out of nothing but somehow I do. I wish i had never tried to explain, that i just kept all that i was feelng to myself until I knew what was causing them...causes are always so much simplier to explain. I dont know.

I am in worse shape then i was. I feel like there is nothing i can do being so far away to mend this rift. Goddamit i dont want it there!! I dont want him to feel like I dont want him and that i dont love him as much as i did I want him in my life more then anything else and i love him very much as much as I always have. I need to make things better. I get to talk to him tonight at least...last night was horrible...

Does it mean that i am crazy when a nasty email makes me smile? Not nasty as in sexual, but a mean nasty letter? I guess i am going crazy.



I already wrote about how i sent Mat an email last night expressing my concerns and my doubts. i think he took everything I said out of context. Like I was accusing him of everything I told him would gothrough my head. i wasnt. i know he loves me and wouldnt do something fucked up...i just cant help thinking that way.



Well somehow the school server let me read my email in 2nd hour. but I couldnt write a lter. it went to surf control after i clicked on compose. He wrote me a letter that was pretty forceful and I got the reassurance i needed from the forcefulness. Through the fucks and the god damns I got the feelings and the emotions that i needed to be reminded of. I know the next time i call him we will probaly get into it a little because I upset him pretty bad fromt he sounds of it. We cant talk today because 1.) mo is home and 2.) he works from 1-8 so i couldnt get on. tomrrow mom is off again so i cant call him but at least i will be able to talk to him after school on the computer and he alwready said that we will spend all night just the two us talking. that will be very nice.

I need to find a way to deal and not fly off the handle every time I turn around. i dont know what to do to accomplish that but i will find a way. i have to. this is going to drive me insane otherwise.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I feel how I imagine all the little emo kids feel lol. I feel bi polar. One minute I am angry and fighting with myself the next minute I am laughing at my reaction.

Alright so the story for today. I wrote Mat a letter, an email last night. I told him all my feelings, all the doubts I have. i dont know what is wrong with me. I want to be with him more then anything. I wait for hours until i can talk to him and when it is finally time to talk its like we only get 10-15 minutes and then he has to leave with his partner. I UNDERSTAND that he has to weight lift every day because of his job and I UNDERSTAND that he has to look for a house and that he needs to have some fun while being there. Its not that i dont.

It just feels like i never get to talk to him anymore and it pisses me off. I have fights with myself constantly. A small dark corner of my mind says he has probably found someone else and is trying to let you off lightly by easing off contact but I know thats not true. I know its not. This is a small glimpse of what i go through each and every day.

My mind will make up scenarios and then something will come up and he leaves and then its like well damn...is it true? I cant help it. i know in my heart that he loves me and wants to be with me and that there is no one else...i cant help the way my mind works...its the same way his works.

I am tired of my moods fluctuating from happy to pissed off and then to sad each and every day. I dont know what to do. i need to find a way to deal with this better. i knew i wouldnt be able to talk to him much, maybe i should just get into the mindset that he doesnt have his own computer and that he doesnt get out of work at 5...that way I dont get angry when he leaves to work out when i could be talking to him. Damn i sound really selfish dont i. Fuck. I dont know what to do. I dont know what else to say. Im sad, im angry and I dont know what to do to get rid of either feelings.



"I FUCKING LOVE YOU.. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THIS? DO I NEED TO FUCKING PHOTO COPY THAT ON A BIG PIECE OF PAPER AND MAIL IT TO YOU WITH STAPLES SO YOU CAN STICK IT TO YOUR FUCKING HEAD?"



Maybe you do...

Yay day 2!! I am doing good so far on keeping up with ym daily journals! Yes i know, that is very sad. but hey, it is an accomplishment for me.



So, I talked to Mat on the computer last night and after about an hour and a half he went to go work out at the gym the prison offers. I couldnt get back on when he was supposed to get home because mom would have bitched if I signed on after 10pm.

(he is two hours behind me now in time)



Not that it really mattered, i couldnt have gotten on anyway because of mom. She got on the computer for over an hour playing her stupid ass game. I kinda wondered why i was getting so angry last night. i mean yes I wanted to talk to Matbut im used to be angry when she keeps me from him. What i was really mad at was she was in my room and i wanted to go to bed before 10:30. I didnt really understand that...until i woke up at 3 am. I woke up from the pain in my stomach and i ended up throwing up. I felt like complete shit. So that was probably why I wanted to go to bed early or why i was so tired. I was sick and I didnt know it at the time.



Anyways i got up again at 6 and I called Mat at 7am (5am his time). I got on the phone with him and only talked for like ten minutes because he was very tired and wanted to go back to sleep. I was in a crappy mood after that. i guess because I thought last night that i didnt mind him leaving early because I would be talking to him again for sure in the morning and then I really didnt. I dont know. Thats me being selfish over him i suppose. I will be talking to him tongiht again of course and I found out that i should be able to talk to him alot on saturday night because mom will be gone until like 11pm. She'll only be at aunt tillies...but that means i can use the phone still...so woohoo!!!



February is going to be hell. Its sad I am dreading it and yet looking forward to it at the same time. I can't wait until i am eighteen and can bring our relationship out into the open again and yet at the same time that will turn mom into a bitch again and life will be hell until i leave. I am also going to go a visit Mat after my birthday. probably the first weekend in march bacause that is the first weekend after my birthday. i should have enough for the plane ticket both there and back. i am not really looking forward to the plane ride all by myself but i am very excited about seeing mat again. i need to see him very bady. Its driving me nuts not being able to.

OKay well class is about to get out so i should go. I will probably write more later

Sam and I went to the library and got kicked off the computers by a class thast needed them, and now we are in Mrs. Huletts class to use her computers. I am getting addicted to them again I think. There is nothing else to do for four of my classes and wiritng and looking up stuff keeps me entertained. School is completely boring me again..that is a very very bad thing for me. When I am bored I dont want to do anything and then my grades go down. Then again maybe I am bored just because I am sad and dont feel like being here in the first place. I have been watching the rain since we have come in here. There is always something calming about watching the rain fall and splash against the ground. We are going to be getting out of thei sclass in like 15 minutes and then I have to put up with a very smelly room and my teacher talking about shit over and over. He is the only person I know that could turn a fascinating subject into a complete bore. I literally count down the minutes until his class is over. it really sucks. I am always ahead of everyone else and i have over a hundred percent. It is the perfect slackers class...if you are a slacker which i am not. I cant stand having idle time in school...it pisses me off and it gives me time to think. I dont want to think...

Once again i am going to try to keep a regular journal. I am going to try to write at least once a day...maybe this time it will work for more then a week. i normally write only really long and really in depth journals. That being the reason why i dont write them very often. I am goign to try to get out of that habit though and write about eveyrthing going on in my life daily.

Last night me and Mat got into a little disagreement. i dont know what is wrong with me. i just miss him so much and I am so scared that he is going to leave me for someone else there. I know, I truely know that he would never do that but i cant stop the bad thoughts. They are making me edgy. I dont know what put my back up last night. We were talking and he was describing his job and then he made the comment that he is not a guard but an officer and how calling him a guard would be an insult. I took it like he had a holier then thou attitude and I told him that. I hate the computer alot sometimes..the tone and how things are said get very misinterpreted. The reason that was said was because he got hit over the head that day by calling someone a guard and he was tellin me that in general the term was offensive because they arent security guards they are correctional officers. I had also thought he meant if i called him a guard he would be offended but that wasnt the case either. He said he wouldnt be offended if i called him that because he knows what i mean but he has to get into that mindset of being an officer and not a guard so he wont calls others a guard again and get hit. I really am trying to Keep only good thoughts in my head and try not to think to fucked up things that arent true. I just cant help it sometimes. Depression sucks...

I don’t know what has possessed me to want to start a journal that describes my life story. I don’t know that I will finish or even submit this when i am completely finished. There is so much to write and so much to explain. I don’t know why i have this need to bare my life and write about everything that has ever happened in it. But I am going to do so. This is going to be a long one...

The easiest times to remember are from when I was little. I was very carefree and I had a rather over-active imagination. I had a best friend in my cousin Nick and we were little hellions...but we had fun. We had "training" days where we would throw ourselves into rigorous exercises to pretend to be cops.

We would stir odd ingredients together in a pot that we would call potions. Things that we would give to people we didn’t like so that they would drink it and get sick.

We totally ruined my aunt‘s bedroom floor by spraying a lot of her very expensive perfume and then accidentally knocking over a thing of loose power. The powder sealed the perfume in and the wood floor started to rot…oops.

One of our greatest and most cherished play things was building traps and tents. We made my entire room into a fort and we would build traps in front of it so that the “robbers” couldn’t get to us. We made some really nice ones that obviously worked…mom tripped many, many times.

We were very happy go lucky kids. My family life was very good as well. Well, minus my sister Jennifer. My brother and I have always gotten along, truth be known I idolized him when I was younger for being strong. Jen however, she went out of her way to terrorize me. Mom would ask her to do something with me and she would do it but the second mom turned her back she would start being a bitch to me. I hated it. She got worse after my mom and dad divorced.

My mom and dad officially divorced in the summer of 1998. They were the perfect model couple before then. Then in May of that year everything went downhill. Dad met a friend of my moms and had an affair with her. My dad divorced my mom and he slowly introduced Sue into my life. I was eight years old then. I took to the change after about a month or so… At least in appearance. I liked spending time with my dad but then when I got home I would get depressed. For a while I just changed it to where I would pretend I didn’t get my dads messages when he called (He would only call the day before he was going to pick me up) or I would tell him that I had plans, all because I didn’t want to feel the hurt anymore.

After a while I started to rebel. I thought that I could cover up the hurt and the pain with anger and a wall. I started getting into trouble in school. I would ride the bus to school and then I would just walk away from the building. I would hang out in the woods or I would go with a friend to her boyfriend’s house. I would go to school maybe twice a week. I stopped skipping after I got caught, the only reason I did being because I was bored and decided to go back to school. I got suspended for truancy, I got suspended for not serving detentions and I got suspended for fights. The only one of these mom knew about was one of the fights. I thought that I was pretty damn good with that one.

So I was probably 12 by this time. I had been a smoker for three years already and I was into drinking. The only thing I wasn’t into that a lot of my friends were was sex. I did the drugs, I played the tough guy but I wasn’t into going around having sex with people. It was stupid to me. I guess I was made guilty by association though, I had been friends with a lot of guys, being that I was a tough guy tomboy. One of those friends, Darryl, came over one day with his brother who was probably 5 or 6 years older then we were. I was kind of surprised to see him there so I stepped out of the house and said what’s up and the first thing that was asked was if I wanted to have sex with him. Mind you, I had been friends with him for around 2 yrs by that time so I was completely stunned. All I could do was say “What???” Then his brother moved and that’s when I got a little scared. Darryl I could have taken if he decided to force me but his brother…his brother was huge. He had a good foot a least on me and he was very muscular. His brother said something that I can’t remember now but that’s when the red flag went up and I knew I was in trouble. I stalled them for as long as I could and then I ran out of ideas. Luckily, that is when my mom and terry pulled up from being at the grocery store. I realize now especially how fortunate that I was. I know for sure that Darryl’s brother wouldn’t have cared if I had said no. It wouldn’t have mattered. That is just how he was.

After this time was when I began to get into the major tomboy role. I started wearing terry’s tee-shirts and huge hoodies. I didn’t wear anything that could even remotely show the figure I had. I tried to blend in, and that is how I got through the 8th grade at that school. Darryl had tried occasionally to talk to me but the only one I would talk to form my old clique was Jesse and that because he was the only one who hadn’t once tried to ask me out. I was grateful for that. I thought that every one of them had gone insane and they needed to get hit over the head with a hammer or something. I liked being “one of the guys” and they had to go and make me into a girl so to say. They had to notice me. It pissed me off. I only wanted to be friends, I didn’t want to have sex with any of them and I didn’t want to date any of them. In 8th grade I made all new friends not that it really mattered. I left that year to move to S. Carolina…which lasted for one day.

That was an experience for sure. Mom met a guy online and she had gone out with him many times. My grandma had met him and so had a couple of my uncles. Even my brother had met him. So mom decided to move us down there. Kenneth was his name and he was very fucking scary. He bought a house in Sc and we moved down there. That actually was a really fun drive I enjoyed it immensely. However, when we got there that is when the flags started to go up. Terry and his friend who went to drive the truck with him, I want to say his name was Rich? They went to the beach since neither of them had ever seen the ocean. However, Kenneth thought that they had decided to start on home. He turned into a huge control freak. I didn’t know it but mom got the mail and found a letter to Kenneth from another female. She went into the bathroom to read it and it was from a woman who was coming to live with him in sc in a couple months. So, That night when Kenneth went to bed for work me and mom pack everything that we absolutely needed back up. We had four people that were going to be in one car…so we didn’t have much space. We had to guess how much stuff we could take since terry and rich weren’t back yet and we had the moving truck. (Me and mom had pretended to go to the store for tampons and used his cell phone to call my aunt Debbie and told her the story to see if we could live there for a few weeks) So we started to go, not knowing how wed find terry. Mom saw when we got to the end of the road that the back of the truck had come up so I got out to put it back down and that’s when I saw headlights…it was Terry!! We told them the story and we went and got a hotel room. We had to much stuff so we called my uncle Kenny and he took a blazer full of it home that we didn’t need right away. We dropped the truck off and the guy at the desk started to call Kenneth! He said he had called and was told to call him right away when we turned the truck in we stopped him and we drove back home. We lived with my aunt Debbie for a couple weeks, but then we called my aunt Tillie and we came up here, to Mesick and we lived with her. We were there for a couple months before getting into the house we have now. I HATED the area at first. I hated everything about it. That it was small, that everyone was nice and helpful. I wanted to go live with my cousin Nick. I wanted to be back by the rest of my family not up and away from everyone.

This turned out to be the best move of it all. I have great friends and the school is small so you know everyone and you get a better education because the classes are smaller too. All the teachers and the staff know your name; you’re not just another number in the system. I came to love it. The first few weeks were hell, not knowing anyone. But I came to make a few really good friends.

I went through life here at a rather easy pace. I spent a lot of time at Penny’s old house through my freshman and sophomore year. We attempted to break in Merlin that first summer I was there and that made everything just about perfect feeling.

That is, until the middle of my junior year. I met Mat in December of 2005. My sister brought him to our family reunion and that is where I first met him. My life has gotten sooo much better. I came to know what love is and I know what it is like to be able to depend on someone. I have been with him now for almost a year and I cannot begin to express how happy the both of us are. He just moved to WY last Saturday and has started his job as a max security prison guard. He loves it. I am going to be moving there in the springtime, after I graduate from high school and next summer we are coming back here to get married. I cannot wait. There have been many ups and downs in my life and I have skipped over some of the minor points that have made me who I am today. However, I have gotten most of the main points and those are what really matter. I think I will submit this I think this will give everyone a good insight to the person that I really am.

Well life has been fairly shitty the past couple weeks. Well, i cant really say the last couple weeks, the last week i suppose then. On tuesday of this week my three month old puppy got run over by a car right in front of my eyes. I was completely devastated. i stayed home from school and just sat, lost in my memories. I'd find a strand of his hair and i'd cry, I'd catch a glimpse of a bruise on my arm he gave me from scratching me and i would cry. It sucked to say the very least. i have never gotten this attached to an animal before, or maybe it was because he was still a baby and still had his baby fur. I picked him up from the road after he got him and i cradled him in my arms as i walked him back to my house. My brother came over and buried him for me. I wouldnt have had the strength to try to get a shovel through the frozen ground.

Today, Friday, i am more steady, the tears have stopped flowing and I have tried to open up to my puppys dad more ( my other dog) Tonight, I am going downstate for a family reunion. My friend Sam is going with me and so is my brother terry. We are going to my aunt debbies first to drop my mom off. We will probably stay there for a half hour-hour or so and then we are going to Matt and Gloria's house. When we get there i am going to give my fiance a call and we are going to see eachother. He leaves tomorrow for his job in Wy. he got accepted into a max security prison as one of the guards. They are putting him through tha police academy free of charge and he gets paid for going early and working. I know its a great opportunity and it gives us a head start on our future together, i just cant help feeling depressed. He will be over a 1,000 miles away. I did find out yesterday that we will be able to talk everyday like we normally will because he has free internet in the hotel they are paying for. So that will be really nice and i will tlak to him every sunday on the phone for sure. That will help alot.

I am sooo excited about seeing him tonight. I havnt seen him in a couple weeks and this week has been absolute hell. I need to be in his arms and know that everything will remain okay. Again, theres my little weakness poking through to laugh at me. lol. i thought i was content with my life before i was with mat. I thought everything was okay. but now, i realize that i was a living zombie basically. i had no life and I didnt want one. I wanted to get through each day and each night and that was the only thing that i wanted. Now, i have purpose, i want to be living and i want a future...with Mat. i want the life that we have talked about. I want the good times and the bad times. I want the laughter and i want the tears. I want everything. We will have eveything in May...